Time to Blog

It's time to blog again. But as I write this blog, I wonder, is blogging worth the time?

Oh, well. Let's get to it.

I purchased my first books for grad school today. That's kind of a big step I think, in a small way. I'm excited about them, which is, admittedly, a bit dorky, but oh well. I think if by now I haven't realized I'm a dork, I shouldn't be going off to school again...

A movie recommendation: Knocked Up. Yeah, so a lot of people, especially my more conservative, religious friends have been put off by its title. But, I think it's just down right hilarious. I can't say it's never crude for the sake of being crude, but I think it's saying a lot about marriage, relationships, and gender-relations, and gender stereotypes. And believe it or not, I think it's actually pretty wholesome. It's Judd Apatow after all who gave us 40-Year-Old Virgin, which applauds its main character, despite poking some fun at his naivete, although clearly criticizing his sex-obsessed co-workers, who remains sexually abstinent until he marries at the end. If you liked 40-Year-Old Virgin, you'll like this, although I think that the humor and writing in this movie are sharper and the critiques of contemporary culture deeper.

I recently attempted to read British author Ian McEwan's Saturday. After about a hundred pages, I put it down. It just didn't keep my attention. I thought the style was drab and the story, which was kind of interesting got bogged down with a lot of seeming pointless scenes--or at the very least, they were scenes that didn't engage me at all. I only wanted to rush through them to get to what I hoped to be a more interesting part.

Now I have picked up Ralph Ellison's only novel, Invisible Man, a classic, and am enjoying it thoroughly.

I watched The Prestige with my brother and sister last night and was pleasantly surprised by it. It's not the greatest movie ever or anything, but it is a solid, enjoyable film that's a cut above you're average Hollywood drivel, even if it's not going to go on my favorite's list on Facebook.

Oh, and I've recently discovered Google Reader, which is very awesome, but time consuming. So here's a link to my public page.

That's all for now. Tune in next time.

The Fast Has Been Broken

So, it's been four years. And today I finally broke it.

I ate a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

That's right, I haven't eaten a PBJ since high school? Why? Well, because all through high school, and a good bit of my schooling before, that was all I ate. And so, by the time I received my high school diploma, I couldn't stand Skippy and Smuckers anymore. And then today, I had the strongest craving for it. And I tend to listen to my body when it comes to these things, and so I spread some peanut butter and grape jelly on two pieces of oatmeal bread and ate it with a glass of milk. And after I was done--I wanted more! (But I didn't.) I think that's what I'll have for lunch tomorrow (if I have time between work and the viewing).

Yeah, I know, profound stuff.

Well, originally I had some links here to some political articles, but then my computer shut down because of the heat, and the links didn't get saved and I'm too lazy to relink them. Looks like this is going to be a post all about my fluctuating tastes. Although, just so you know (here comes something vague), I had a very relevatory (Google says this isn't a word) thought today, that's actually pretty significant for me personally. But I don't quite know what to do with it, or rather what to do with myself now that it's hit me. Hmm... I guess if you want to know and you know me, you could ask, and you might get lucky. But you probably don't care. Peanut butter and jelly sandwiches are more interesting.

Ramblings

I thought it was about time for another post. It's been awhile. Plus a lot has been going on: my grandfather died, I graduated, I'm trying to secure a summer job, I'm looking for a (3rd) roommate in Pittsburgh, and I'm getting grad school stuff squared away. There's also a lot going on here at home, plus just a lot of adjustment in general. I'd love to sit down and just think about everything and really be "present" with it all, but there's so much else to do!

I need something to read before I order my grad school books and dig into those. I started Dostoevsky's The Brothers Karamazov, and although I like it, it's long (700 pages), and I think I want something shorter, so I can actually accomplish something. I'm taking suggestions (for your convenience, please use the comments feature).

I made a list of daily things I want to do. Today, I didn't do half of them. Oh well. There's tomorrow. And today was pretty full--I don't feel like I wasted much of it doing nothing. I was doing a lot on my other list--that's my to do list, that's not a daily list, but rather a do-these-things-once-because-they're-important-for-my-well-being list. Do what you can, and then some, if you can sacrifice a little sleep.

Some things on my mind, some of which maybe I'll get to journal about in more detail if I don't fall asleep in the next 15 minutes as it is 2:15am right now: emotional horror, being "present" (something I picked up from the Spences) which is to say really experiencing what is going on now, ends and endings, relationships and love, growing up and growing older. The last bit comprises many things: realizing how much I've grown, realizing how much I have to learn and how much I need to grow, and coming to grips with how terrible and beautiful the world is, sometimes at the same time.

I'm also left wondering what I'm going to do about it. But I think just knowing what I'm doing for the next year is good enough for right now.

A Long Time Coming

I know it's been awhile, but I've been busy. Even with only three classes, life hasn't been a breeze. I've started working at a child activity center that my neighbor runs and I am co-editor of our college's literary magazine which actually takes up quite a bit of time.

That being said, it's Spring Break, and I think I might be going to grad school in the Fall. One school's response is quite puzzling and frustrating at the same time, but I've been pleasantly surprised by some other responses I've received. Right now, I think I'm leaning one way, but I don't want to say, because I'm still waiting to hear from a couple of other institutions, and I also want to talk to some other people I trust to get their opinions on the matter. Ultimately it's my decision, but I'm not so naive as to think I've thought of all the pros and cons.

My friend e-mailed me this link and no matter what your political leaning is, it's pretty funny. Of course it's more than funny--it's a pretty good picture of the image the U.S. has in Latin America. And besides that, I was there!!!

Oh! I finished up Kurt Vonegut's Slaughterhouse V yesterday. It's quite good and I would recommend it. I guess it's sci-fi, but it doesn't feel like it to me. It's definitely a protest novel, its topic being war, its specific subject being the firebombing of Dresden. Vonegut is just a really good writer and although I've read one of his short stories, I can't say I'm otherwise very familiar with his work; however, I'm glad I ordered this book using the Barnes and Noble gift card my brother and sister gave me for my birthday. : ) It's not a particularly hard read in terms of style and he handles the subject great along with all the other things that are attached to war--life, death, time, what it means to be human. (All the things that your high school English teacher tried to pull out of you, if he/she was any good.) And Vonegut treats these topics deftly with the complexity that they deserve. Oh, and I just love the style. So go snag a copy--you can probably find it at your local or college library.

Already?

It's New Year's Eve all ready and I feel like I've hardly taken a breath.

Grad school applications are proving to be more complicated than I could've imagined. It's the same basic information again and again but repackaged in many different ways. And you better get it right or you face jeporadizing or forfeiting your entrance into a particular program. I've gotten 1/2 in. Yikes!

And packing for Guatemala isn't looking any better. It's clear to me that we're supposed to pack light, but not only am I not sure what that means, I'm not sure how I'm supposed to do it, given I have to pack work time and pack for non-work time. Oh, and I think I have like three articles of clothing packed and a good amount of things to still buy.

The good news is that one of the programs I'm applying to requested a creative writing portfolio of either fiction or poetry. As I did poetry, I had to submit 10 pages (of my best) poems. It was actually kind of difficult, but I did it and I was pretty happy with the caliber of all 15 or so poems. Expect to see some appear here in future posts.

A Post for Christmas Eve

I suppose as the title implies I ought to write about things that somewhat have to do with the holiday. Maybe.

My iPod which froze yesterday is now unfrozen. This has happened before, and like before, yesterday I just let it die, and then set it back in its charger dock and it was fine. Must be a bug or something...

I went to (my) church today. It's been awhile since I've been 1) to any church and 2) to my home church (of which I am a member). I find it difficult to "rate" church nowadays as if it's some kind of experienced, a product to be consumed. Actually, I guess I shouldn't say I find it difficult to rate, since I tend to be hyper-critical about everything, but I am very uncomfortable about rating something that is so tied to the spiritual. There was nothing that made me want to leave, which is good, as this has happened several times in the past. I was surprised at the lack of traditional Christmas songs, but the music was all right. Nothing terribly complex in the lyric department, and nothing outstanding in the melody department, although some moving stuff (we do Gospel tunes and hymns at my church, which is AME, btw). The musicians are good though, so I guess that makes up for that. I liked the Scripture readings. Among other passages, we read Hebrews 10:5-10 and Micah 5:2-5a, the second of the two which I found especially moving (although, I would recommend reading both as they are especially apt for this season).

The sermon was done by a visiting pastor from a Baptist church in Tampa. The pastor was a friend of head pastor. He seemed apt at preaching and he preached on two verses: Luke 2:11-12. He talked about the sign of Jesus' birth as a sign of the Gospel. It was almost postmodern (hee hee)! I only had a couple of quibbles with his sermon. One was linguistic, because (and I think it was just a slip) he said something was Greek word for sign, and it isnt'. Two, he made a distinction between the sign itself and Jesus' birth, saying the sign was more important than the real thing (the birth). I kind of see them as one in the same (is that me being postmodern, I wonder?) and inseparable. I mean that Jesus' birth was the sign and was important in itself. I don't know, I just feel like the incarnation is a big deal. I should mention that he made a distinction between the baby Jesus and the man Jesus in that the baby Jesus didn't do anything while its the man Jesus that turned the world upside down. While I agree that it is the adult Jesus that we focus on, I do feel that the incarnation itself is important, even though I can't quite articulate why right now. Although maybe he was saying that the playing out of the incarnation (that is the acting out of Jesus' total divinity and total humanity) was more important than simply the incarnation itself and I think I would agree with that. But I still don't see how the sign and Jesus' birth ("the real thing") are different or separable. Because it seemed to me he was arguing Jesus' birth was the sign. Anyway...

Regardless, I guess it stirred some thought and that mattered. There were also a LOT of people at church today. We almost couldn't fit everybody in the sanctuary, and we have a pretty large sanctuary. Of course it was a combined service (we usually have two services, and today we just had one), but there were a lot people out of town. But the tithe and offering procession today went on forever and ever today! (I'm assuming if you go to or have been to black church, you know what this is, but if you don't have this experience, for the offering, everyone in the church marches up to the altar to give whatever they've come prepared to give, and then afterwards the ushers march up usually in some kind of special formation with some kind of special step or what have you.)

But after all that... I kind of feel like I want to start going to church again regularly. It's more of a feeling of something I feel like doing than...I don't know. I have this idea that church is a performance, but not in a negative way but in a very positive way, and I have this tug to be a part of that. I feel like it's us acting out the invisible in a very explicit manner, or at least I feel like it ought to be.

Of course, that means several other things for me as well, so that might make finding a place to go still difficult.

Well, a happy Christmas to all who wish to have one. (Did I mention the visiting pastor said that without Christmas there would be no holidays? I guess he forgot that Chanukah has been celebrated for a lot longer than Christmas...)

Ironies abound

Yesterday I went to see Almodovar--he's a Spanish director--movie. It was really good, and although it was at its base two intertwined love triangles, it was better than a majority of the crap pumped out of the West Coast at any given point of time nowadays. It made me think, to say the least.

But really this post starts, or my point in bringing this up is that I went with some people who speak Spanish fairly fluently and so we spoke Spanish all the way there (and there) and on the way back (with Radiohead in the background, hehe, but I promise I didn't pick it, even if I enjoyed it!). Now except for a couple of points on 795 when I hit those spells of mental fatigue that one hits--I was the one driving--I understood everything and participated, but admittedly, it takes a lot more work than speaking in English. And here's my point. I talked less, listened more, and was much more careful that what I said was really what I meant. Which I guess makes sense, but in the language that I'm most comfortable in (I don't have many choices, here) it's weird how I can be very careless, not really making sure that everything I say is what I really mean.

In fact as of late, I find that I say a lot of things that I'm really not sure I mean. Or sometimes I say things and right afterwards I'm really don't know where they come from. Or after saying smoething I will stop and really question what I say and end up not buying it at all. In fact nowadays there's just a lot I don't buy. But of course once you say something, you're like held to it, and everything you say is pieced together, used to glue some kind of dripping, popsicle stick figure of you that has to keep having more sticks added to it so it won't collapse, or one taken away from here and added there--more glue! more glue!

Or maybe I'm confusing metaphors here. Maybe that's what we do with our picture of God. And be sure that our understanding of God is not the same as who God is. And btw, a lot of what I'm thinking/not buying/skeptical of what I once may have been saying has had to do with God, though not everything. A lot of it has to do with other people, life, etc. Personal realizations, etc.

I was having a conversation this past week about God and why people's experience of God are so different, and I said there are two possibilities: either God manifests Himself (I personally mean nothing by using the reflexive masculine pronoun) differently to every person or we've all got it wrong. Of course, right? In my nice black-and-white dichotomous way. Being the positive person I am, at the time I said that I tend to believe the latter--we've all got it wrong, except of course then that is slightly problematic, especially if I truly believe God is trying to build relationships with His people. Sooo... I've modified my view, though it's still too simplistic probably, that we've all have different understandings of God, but they're incomplete. And it's when we think that our understanding is complete that I think we've got it wrong. And if God is so infinite, I think that He probably does manifest Himself different to different people. (Of course I think certain views of God are wrong like, I don't know, God being evil or something like that.)

So, yeah, maybe I need to just shut up and listen I say as I post a ridiculously long blog.

A Day for Writing

Today seems like a day to write. I have to write a paper, I want to write in my journal, and of course I'm writing in this. And I need to write something for the workshop on Thursday, though I guess I could use "Ballon Life" or pull out something old.

I also had at least one request to update this recently. However, there will be no poetry or ficition, in this post.

The past week has been filled with encounters with various persons have offered me countless things to ponder. (Unfortunately, these have kept me from doing things like grad school research and GRE prep.) I am further convinced of the hand and sovereignty of God, and more skeptical than ever of my own understanding.

I am finding that making judgments about or sizing people up--can really just be futile. There's so much we don't understand about other people. There is so much we don't see. Often times we don't take the time to ask. Often times we don't care. And in our critical assesments we are liable to reductionism. And I do believe in loving others we should at least strive to love them wholistically.

Btw, I did go to church today, and it was good. It was good in many, many ways. An issue, which I got involved in, is on it's way to being resolved. One thing that stuck out to me in one of the pastor's prayers was how we love so little back those who love us most. (I like him a lot, and he says and prays and lot of good things.) The question is how do we work towards loving others, because it is so easy to think narrowly and be so single-minded. Sometimes for a cause or a goal, people become secondary, they become a means to an end, or necessary only in passing. But no--Christ came to give people life, and we are to be bearers of this, to be life to others.

Well, I think that is more than enough for one day. I do not believe time is all we have, but I do not have much of it relative to the number of things I must do in the short-term. I am still looking for balance, for healthy.

Seemingly disconnected thoughts

There are at least two kinds of loneliness. Or, I am going to state a distinction in loneliness that gives two kinds of loneliness.

There is loneliness that arises from being apart from others (e.g. physical isolation or separation).

There is loneliness that arises from one being a part of a group of others but being aware of a difference between oneself and the group, and then believing that difference to be significant, thus causing some kind of discomfort or other non-pleasureable effect.

Simple observations.

I have a small work gestating. I could post it now, but it is not at all refined. Which actually kind of makes me think I should just post it anyhow. It'll probably be up, if it will be up at all in the next couple of days.

By the way, just a thought: I think that invisibility is less of masking, removing or hiding the physical and more of masking and hiding the inner to the outside world.

Yes, I know, the weirdest thoughts enter my head sometimes.

Lumberjacks

So, yeah. Moved and settled in. I didn't have the reaction I expected to. This is a good thing.

Living in the Spanish house. I expect my Spanish to improve a bit. Everyone's really nice. I think we'll get a long and it will be a good house. I'm missing the mandatory meeting tomorrow because I have to go down to Baltimore and record. Not too excited about that. I don't mind, but I just don't feel like driving to Baltimore.

I didn't go to church today. I wanted to and I feel bad for not doing so, but I feel if I'm going to go somewhere I need to plan where I'm going ahead of time. Good news is, though, that my attitude towards church (or should I say churches) is changing. Not necessarily my thoughts, but my attitude. Meaning while I still may think flaky theology kills growth, cold modernism kills joy, and the best way to be slain in the spirit is to be convicted of your sin (and the best response is to repent and do it no more, and perhaps you should do this in the privacy of your home, unless of course you're confessing your sin), I'm not so sure being negative about particular churches or about church in general is a good way to go.

That isn't to say we couldn't stand to clean up our houses of worship.

Anyway...

The Honors picnic--where were the drinks? I was really, really thirsty.

(Yeah, so I deleted a bunch of stuff here. It was getting really personal. Sorry. And now I'm teasing you by telling you I deleted it.)

But the day ended well, and that was good. Whit and I tried to sing The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow, but we couldn't remember the words. We witnessed the demonstration of a vibrating alarm. Something about lumberjacks.

I'm back at school and I'm blogging. Aren't you excited? (I need to go back to putting up poems and stories and the like...)

Not a poem

(Wow, this thing is getting updated.)

The number of possibilities (we're talking about the future here) is sheerly frightening. When possibility becomes choice, then it becomes exciting. We have not reached exciting yet.

I hear the movement of a clock.

I don't want to go back to school. Scratch that. I don't want to move back on campus. I mean, if I do my math right, adding up all the parts, then I should at least come out with a positive number, something above zero, but it's just not happening.

Maybe it's just transition woes (see! there's the optimist in me speaking!). Maybe I need to actually start packing. Maybe I actually need to do things, like, I don't know, buying school supplies. But I think that requires motivation.

In other news...

I finished four measures of my dulcimer arrangement of "All the Trees of the Field Will Clap Their Hands." Like you care.

Maybe next time I'll have a poem or a story up or something. Maybe not.