Open

I've been wanting to write a post for awhile, but simply haven't gotten around to it. Not that I've been extremely busy. I have a part time job, and moreover, I was off this week. The rest of my time, bar family/household obligations, is pretty much up to me. But I don't like to just sit around. I like to hang out when I can(but I'm trying to conserve the gas, because it ain't cheap). I'm doing reading for grad school, to better cushion my "fall" into the loads of work that is impending come the end of August. Each day brings one or two more grad books in the mail thanks to Half.com. I've also been keeping up with my Greek studies, although I didn't do any this week (there's still tomorrow...er, today). I've also been reading Ralph Ellison's Invisible Man, which is lengthy at almost 600 pages. I'm over halfway done, but it's looong. Good, but long. Further, I've been working on my writing. I've got a poem in the works right now, which I'm pretty excited about.

So, you know, I haven't been bored. And I've spent a good bit of time with my brother and sister who I don't get to see much of at all during the school year, and I certainly won't be seeing much of when I move to Pittsburgh. And I'm glad for that. Besides the fact the obvious fact of spending time with them, they're helping me hone my DDR and billiard skills.

I'm going to start looking at Ph.D. programs real soon. Maybe tomorrow. Maybe Sunday. (I have to tutor my cousin in Spanish tomorrow.) I'm slightly nervous because it's a big commitment. And it's not that I don't want to get my Ph.D. I do. I'm just not sure if now's the time. But maybe now is the time. Recently, I've been trying to be more open to things. I've been digging through my CD discard pile (not the old, old discard pile, mind you, but one of the more recent ones...yes, there's more than one, and yes these piles are many CDs high), and I've listened to *some* stuff I've essentially thrown away (but I have a really hard time throwing away CDs, although I did destroy a Big Tent Revival CD once when I was high school), and wondered why I was so picky. Okay, so there's a good reason why most of that stuff is in the pile, but there are some dull gems...I'm talking mostly individual tracks. Anyway, this is getting old real fast...

My point is that, I'm trying to open my ears to new things (or old things that my ears, or any sensory organ for that matter, have been previous closed to). I'm trying to be less critical, less judgmental, and just more open in general. I think my previous overly-judicious nature (I think one needs to be somewhat judicious) has hampered me in enjoying many things, moments and even people. And what does that have to do with me? I want to make sure I'm open to myself. I don't want to be so critical of my options, of my desires, that I hinder myself from doing something I really love.

Which brings me to my next quandary: "What good is it?" That's the question someone posited for me today when I told them academic plans to study rhetoric and linguistics. Isn't it good enough just to love it (as long as it isn't harming other people or myself, obviously)? I have answers I can give, but really, it just boils down to I like it. It's hard for me right now to see that far into the future to see what good it will be. And if I were pursuing writing or music, I'd be even more dumbfounded. I like to write. I like to play music.

And for right now passion and joy might have to be enough. I think a friend of mine put it well: "The language of accomplishment is not what we find in the Bible." Instead, he says, we should do what we love. It is just very hard to get past the idea of 1) failure and 2) wasting time, not to mention trusting that you'll be able to make support yourself. However, I suppose if we are only concerned with enjoying what God has created us to enjoy, we can't but help but be useful in the sense that we would be a part of that which is bringing about a great and beautiful change in the world.